Dr. Potato Head

Posted by Annie on Nov 21, 2006 in Education |

I always liked to think of myself as a jack-of-all trades – yet master of none. Keeping that lofty goal in mind, I never thought I would be an expert in any particular field. So you have to imagine my surprise upon learning that, according to Dr. Phil, I am an expert at growing vegetables!

Well, I guess I could be worse. I could embarrass myself on a weekly television talk show giving anyone who will listen wonderful, thought provoking reasons on why the world is flat…

I mean how cool is it to be able to tell the world that you can only go so far in your travels until you fall off the edge of the earth? Perhaps catapulting into a Michael Jackson video from the eighties? Or even worse, into an esteemed guest spot on the Dr. Phil Show…

There are many reasons why I won’t be watching the Dr. Phil show on Friday. And, no… I won’t be out arm-wrestling with a 99-year-old great-great grandmother for the last TMX Elmo. I won’t be hopping up and down amidst the laptops sailing through the air in the electronics section of Wal-mart, doing my best impression of Donkey from Shrek (ooohh…pick me…pick me…).

I might be up to my armpits in suds scrubbing dishes from the night before. And quite possibly the turkey might still be cooking in my unreliable, antiquated piece of junk oven. Or in fact, I might just be sitting at my desk crunching on a mini carrot and a brisk piece of celery – plotting my revenge…

Ok, so maybe revenge is too strong a word. After all, I pride myself on being a (mostly) reasonable person. And being a (mostly) reasonable person, I usually try to open my mind and look for all angles of a story. Mostly, I like to imply logic in my quest for answers. However, I do keep in mind my limitations when it comes to dealing with what I fondly refer to as “Book-Smart-Life-Dumb” people.

What is a “Book-Smart-Life-Dumb” person, you ask? Well… You might be a “Book-Smart-Life-Dumb” person if you believe there is only one way to educate a child. And in order to do so, you need to exploit and manipulate other people to prove so. (Although that seems rather cowardly to me, don’t you think?)

And… you might be a “Book-Smart-Life-Dumb” person if you are certain the world is in fact flat as a pancake… (After all, there is proof the world is round people! Haven’t you ever watched Star Trek???)

Now, in order to remain a credible “Book-Smart-Life-Dumb” person, you have to find a way to adequately narrow other people’s minds without them dimming you off. So, I would assume a good way of doing just that would be to slick up in suit and tie every week spouting a one-size-fits-all approach to mastering your destiny.

Now, I frankly gave up the one-size-fits-all approach the last time I tried to squeeze into the vintage Levi’s 501 jeans I wore in high school some twenty odd years ago. And even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them out, I know without a shadow of a doubt my thighs and bottom will never again be reasonably contained within that tiny scrap of denim. It pains me. I sob about it from time to time. But then I remember to be the (mostly) reasonable person I am and I put them back on the shelf in favor of the more preferable elastic waisted hanes sweatpants that don’t judge me unfairly for having that last piece of pumpkin pie.

So, how does one (mostly) reasonable, (somewhat) life smart person do when faced with a small mind and a big mouth? Well, in all honestly, I usually like to avoid those types of people.

I have learned the hard way you will almost always lose when trying to stretch their tiny little minds. Think of a rubber band. You hold on for dear life stretching the heck out of it, but the moment you let go, it will fly back at you, slap you upside the head and then return to its original size.

So what will I do Friday? Well, the master vegetable gardener in me thinks it might be a good time to tend to my precious little crops. I find that if you nurture them carefully, they’ll have a better chance of turning out a pretty impressive harvest.

So what will the little crops be turning out next week?

  1. A creative writing competition
    • Subject: What kind of a vegetable should Dr. Phil be?
    • List reasons (like “Dr. Phil would make a really great potato because he has his head buried in the ground most of the time. And the only real beneficial part of the potato is the peel. And most people toss the peels away. So then he would be much like he is today. Useless.”)
  2. Art
    • Draw Dr. Phil as a vegetable (in great detail)…
  3. Letter Writing
    • Send Dr. Phil a letter outlining the benefits of vegetables.
    • Suggest Dr. Phil learn more about the positive benefits of vegetables.
    • Send copy of creative Writing and art to Dr. Phil…

Yours in gardening for a MOST productive future,

Los Angeles, CA

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  • Jane says:

    Ok, Ok, I’ll admit it – I am a product of both private and public school, hence the mispelling and bad grammar above. Correction: You need to write a “how to” book about raising homeschool vegetables. I’d buy it.

  • joanrenae says:

    Oh… I love it, I love it! Gee? You must have been unschooled to cough up so much creativity in that vegetative mind of yours? LOL I left a ton of comments for Dr. Phil to think about on his board. I hope everyone else will skip on over to bombard his board. As it is looking now.. the homeschooler comments outweigh the public school comments. One public school teacher who did not know how to spell.. I threatened to take my red ink pen to her post… ALAS, they chose not to post that one ;)Joan

  • Jane says:

    This post is hysterical – you need to right about about raising homeschool vegetables.

  • Anonymous says:

    You forgot to put on your assignment page to post digital pics of all the creativity to the web! Don’t leave us out!

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